It's Been Hard to Write

Since I started my blog, I think this is the longest I have gone between posts. It's been hard to muster the courage to write about how I am right now. I did put a little statement on facebook that pretty much captures it ("screaming in silence - I was released too"). Being released from campus service was hard for me and facing the reality of going back to a home ward that I been away from for 7 1/2 years, where I really did not know anyone, was scary.

The outpouring of love and support for Bruce has been amazing. He received a very loving and comforting letter from Elder Johnson (the commissioner of education - who came to make the change in the Stake Presidency), Elder Oaks, Elder Chambers (our area authority), and another member of the 70. When we got home from Stake Conference, another campus Stake President called to see how he was and to wish him well. He has heard from members of the stake who said how much they admired him and would miss him. He has heard from his former executive secretary saying how much he is missed. Aaron called on the following Tuesday night to make sure his dad was going to be all right with no where to go that evening, and both Tami and Adrienne called to talk to Bruce that first Sunday back in our home ward to be sure he was okay. That evening Elder Chambers came by our home to extend his support to Bruce and to be sure he was going to be okay.

On the other hand, there was no one who even asked if I was okay. I did not hear from the other members of the Stake Relief Society Presidency, my children, or even Bruce. To say I was feeling pretty crummy is an understatement. Now I know we do not serve in the church so others will notice what we do and tell us we're great, but I think our home bishop said it best when he told me that he didn't even know I was being released, only Bruce. I kind of felt pushed so far into the background, I didn't exist.

So that is why I put my statement on facebook that day - yes I was trying to scream that I was feeling the loss just like Bruce was. I've read and reread talks on pride and spent a lot of time on my knees. I pray that somehow I can know that my offering (be it ever so small) is acceptable to the Lord. I'm so glad that conference talks will be available soon - there are 3 I need to read and study. In the meantime, I just keep looking for something good to happen.